Update with the Details!

Okay... soo.... yeah its been a while! So here is the main topics im gonna talk about:

• Ricky
• Christopher
• Court
• Seniorness

Court:

         Alright.. Geesh I dont think I ever even wrote about why I had court. Sooo.. I got a car. Well.. it started acting weird (something to do with the transmission) and so I was driving my moms car. Well... I drove it to school one day and they had the drug dogs come to school. They got a hit on my moms car and so they had to search it. Welp.. They found marijuana roaches and a beer in her car. Soo... since I was driving the car, they had to charge me with it. Which also means I got suspended from school for a week and that got me soooo behind its not even funny. Like.. I was catching up til the very last day of school. Okay, anyways, so I had court on May 20th, which was 8 days ago. My mom wants to get a lawyer (dont understand why since it was hers and not mine) so she made me continue it til July 8th. Sooo yeah. There's that bit of info for my readers!

Christopher

            Okay(: So this is a happier thing to talk about ^.^ I made a new friend whose name is (obviously) Christopher! He lives/lived in North Carolina and so its not all that far from me. Well the reason for the lives/lived is because since I've known him, hes moved to an academy/school that's in... Kentucky I think. But I wanna talk about him for a few reasons(: He is like.. a new inspiration for me because of all the things hes been through and he still manages to stay so positive about everything. I haven't been through nearly as much and im usually really negative about most of it. I cant hardly ever make something painful be positive. Just.. doesn't really work for me. Another thing.. I've kinda been wanting to get into anime but haven't ever really had a push, until now(: The first one I have watched all the way through is Clannad and its all thanks to Christopher! Clannad is so wonderful!!! I love love love love it!! Ahhh it was a roller coaster of emotions tho, that's for sure! Haha, if you ever watch it.. Christopher is Tomoya and I am Nagisa apparently xD Haha so yeah(: Um.. oh yeah! And another thing that made me want to talk about Christopher. Well we all know how indecisive I am about things and so I still don't know what I want to go into and here I am in my senior year of high school...so what Christopher has said is that.. When he finishes the academy, I can move in with him in his apartment[: And he said his dad will be paying for the bills and everything then I can start helping out with it all once I get a job and so then hopefully it will be near a good college and I can try to figure out what I want to be. So yeah(: Um.. I havent fully decided on if Im moving in with him yet sooo... yeah. Well thats all I really have on Christopher right now. 

Ricky:

          Okay so now to Ricky. Well Idk if I've really talked about him by name a lot but.. Ricky is the guy ive been with.. hint hint.. Sooo yeah. Well we've had some major ups and downs with us. Between him and being together then him being with his gf right after we were together and him cheating (although he denies it) and just a bunch of b.s. Sooo yeah. Well... he was here late that night after I had court and he spent the night and then he went to court with my mom the next day (said he was gonna walk home) but then it was too hot so he decided to come back with her. Well...she left and I was here with him and Kamari (my little cousin) and we all took a nap. Kamari in his moms room and me and Ricky on the couch. I got up and cleaned then later on him and I went to my room and we slept more and watched movies and such and soo yeah. Well later that night/morning we were upstairs watching tv and he was like "if you really wanna try this again then I do too" so... with a lot of thought... I said alright... But now.. Im not so sure I still wanna be with him honestly. Like... it just doesnt seem to be working that much like I need it to. Like.. him communicating and talking to me and seeing me the way he is (or isnt I should say) isnt how I need a relationship. I feel like its just... not working with us in all honesty. Idk.. I'm gonna talk to him about it maybe or just come out and say.. hey this isn't working and im done. I know that sounds mean but if you knew exactly everything he's put me through.. trust me.. you probably wouldnt even be talking to him.. soo.. yeah.. I mean... technically he's my bf but for how much longer, idk.....

Seniorness:

I'M FINALLY A SENIOR!!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!

Haha okay sorry about that xD Umm.. but yeah(: Thats all I really have to say about all that. I just... Idk what else to really say. Im looking for a job so I can get my car fixed and all that and just... ready to move on. Oh wait! Next year I have to college classes at the Early College 1st period. On Mondays and Wednesdays ill have either American History 1 or Introduction to Sociology then on Tuesdays and Thursdays ill have whatever class I dont have on Mondays and Wednesdays. Which meeeeaanns... I wont have a 1st period on Fridays which hopefully means ill get to come in late to school Fridays ^.^ Which is great by me! I'd love not to have be up that early on Friday(: Sooo yeah. Well thats all I really have to say soo... ttyl! :D 

Just some pics

These are all just a bunch of random pics I wanted to post d:

My pre-cal Monster xD

My next tattoo :D

My car .-.

My favorite set of sticks from persuasion :3

Release

It's a release. She swears that's all it is. All it has ever been. Ending things it not her intention. Every line or quick flick of the wrist is just releasing it all from inside her. She paints with silver but it comes out red. Nothing deep, just enough to release it slowly. Not enough to leave behind evidence. How long..? Too long really. 3 years she believes. Maybe this is the 4th year.

2014 SkillsUSA State Conference PIcs

Another Free Writing... Kinda Of

Why is she so incredible and amazingly... stupid. Why hasn't someone came and stopped and told her to just.. put it down. Never answer again... ignore the world as it calls to her. The world just.. it keeps... she falls. Every time. She was stronger this time. She is stronger every time but just being stronger isn't good enough. She has to be STRONG. Not stongER. Or when she gives in she loses all strength and becomes so weak under the touch of this one. This one has power over her she just doesnt understand. She knows it is wrong in so many ways but it... just takes her over. She should have listened to her other, to her mind, but.. she went with her lonely and broken heart that is barely beating... it needs love. It needs affection. It needs to know the one is out there for just her. Her and only her and that the one isn't gonna just leave her like everyone else in her life has. One stays but... he hurts almost just as much. Distance. Painfully Honest. So small in communication. Not being good enough. So many people so much better than her for him. He knows it... He admits he doesnt know why he stays. He should leave. He needs to leave. He wants to leave. She is being selfish by making him stay but.... She shouldnt ever let him go. He doesnt ever need to leave. She needs him more than anything to stay. He is herself. She see's her in him in ways she believes others see herself. So confusing and yet so perfectly clear.

Well...

Um...so... Last time I talked about Anthony....it was about my feelings clearing up. Well the same night I said the L word....Ricky texted me and...things got mumbled up. So nao Anthony and I arnt the same....he doesn't want me to say that I love him anymore. Guess that also means he doesn't feel the same...so...yeah...well...I also decided I'm not doing Marching Band Next Year. I wouldn't be able to handle the Band, Job, College Class, Internship, and Regular Classes. So yeah... I don't want to give it up at all but..I couldn't handle doing it all :/ I hate that but yeah...um..I'm gonna get some sleep cause I have to give blood tomorrow. So yeah...well bye

Well

Well...I'm just sitting in my living room at home. I still don't have a phone d: but I'm using the iPhone to type this up on. Umm....I just had amazingly yummy hot chocolate :3 it was sooo good!(: umm...my feelings for Anthony have gotten more clear, but...idk. I think it's still too early to tell. I'm just gonna let things keep going how they are and if something changes, then so be it I guess. Well...Tuesday we left school at 9:00ish cause of snow and we didn't have it anymore those 3 days...so yeah d: I just rememberd the brochure thing I got in Chemistry right before we left. So yeah d: umm....I don't really have anything to say nao. This semester is going okaii. Except for Pre-Cal d: but that is to be expected d: So yeah...ummm....idk what else to say. I'm really liking Chemistry..Percussion is odd but that's just cause Crotts makes me nervous. Idk why he does, he just does. I guess just cause it's him .-. Um...yeah...so I guess that's really all. I may try to do some free writing later. So Byers to the none who read my words(:

Sorry...

So I know it's been awhile since I wrote but it doesn't matter cause no one reads this anyways d: But as I've said before, I really don't mind that no one does, this is more for me than anyone else(: So yeah...umm....my phone is currently turned off. My mom gave me her iPhone(can't activate it because she found it and the person reported it lost/stolen) but it holds all my songs(yay!) and all the apps I've tried to download so far(: so yeah that makes me happy ^_^ ummm....there's this guy...and...I can't decide yet if my feelings are really..real for him. I know that I like him, but...I'm still honestly kinda questioning anything more. I'm just gonna have to give it some time. Idk if he is someone I wanna end up with...like...marriage and all that d: Guess I'll just find d: Anyways, it's 3:41 and I have school tomorrow so I'll try to write as so as I can...well...as soon as I remember!!(: Byers

~Whitney 

New Years...

Well... Happy New Years everyone. I hope 2014 is a great year for you all.

So far, it's not been any different. I know its only been 2 1/2 hours into it but.. I'm just feeling alone. Really alone. It's been a while since i've cried from just feeling alone. This is yet another year where I sit and watch the ball drop alone. Not even with family. But... I kinda like it that way. Sometimes. And yet I feel like I wouldnt if I actually knew what it was like to watch it with someone I actually cared for. I hate that I pictured this whole future thing with Ricky. Cause I think that really messed with me. What happened is really starting to get to me. The mistakes I made. I was there not once but twice. And even asked for a 3rd time. That was tonight. I didnt want it to go as far as it had the past two times but I guess I just wanted to know that someone was wanting to spend that one night with me...this one special night that only happens once that is celebrated. The first day of an entire year...the start of a new person for a lot of people. I wish I knew what was going to come in this new year. And it doesnt really help that my best friend now has someone that she see's herself being with and it lasting. Like.. marriage lasting. It's crazy. I remember when I thought I had that. Ha! Lies. Not really lies... just thoughts. Misunderstandings. Hurt....pain.... I feel so lost and alone right now. I need something to.... help. Idk what to do. Lost, confused. Ugh... I dont know how to say whats going through my mind. Just... pain..hurt...alone...confused. I need someone. Its not even someone to talk to. Its honestly just a hug. A lasting hug. Being held. That's all I need... to know someone out there really cares about what happens to me and what I actually do and how I actually feel. I wish someone would be able to tell what Im really feeling and me not have to tell them. To know when to try to make me laugh or when to just hold me. Anyways... I dont see it happening anytime soon. So idk what im gonna do about Prom cause I have to go now that I convinced Angel's bf to go. So yeah... I guess that's all. I may do a free writing thing.. idk yet. Ill decide in a bit. But like I said, Happy New Year Everyone. Hope you have the best year.

I cant

Idk what to do.. Im dying.. My heart is leaving. Im alone. I just... I cant breathe. Im ready to escape. I want to leave here so bad. More than anything get away. Just someone please rip this beating thing out my chest to end all my suffering so I can float away peacefully. I dont know what to do. Nothing helps anymore. I just... I need a way out.

Breaking..

I cant do it.. its all breaking away. I feel it all just slowly breaking inside with every second that passes by.. everything going through my mind.. Whats her name? Has he kissed her yet? Has he said he loved her? As it slowly kills me inside as I read a few simple words. Dying slowly alone. Not in his arms how everyone to, I'd rather be alone. Less pain to die alone.

Free Writing 3

So I haven't done this in a while so I guess I will just kinda...go for it...


Flashing lights everywhere fill the room as she looks outside her tower window. Silence. Nothing more than the face of the boy she loved. She believed he loved he too. More than anything else but he broke not only her heart but also her body into a million pieces. Now she throws her self at anyone who will love her the way she loved him. She loved him. He left her there to be alone when he knew that she needed him more than anything else. That's what the clouds spoke of as the lost girl wonders aimlessly through the woods just trying to get away from everything she knew. It was all a lie. Those lies that were spoken from her and the words of those she trusted. She trust what they said. What anyone said. She was so innocent. Innocence. Means everything and yet it means nothing. Nothing more than a prize. 1st place is what everyone wants. They need it. Everyone can taste that first place prize. Drives people to do crazy things. Crazy crazy things. Sky diving into a pool full of wonderful beings as they all stare at you descending from what they all thought was a limited sky. And here you come...proving them all wrong. Each and every one...except.. for the little boy. The little boy who had vast dreams to fly above that limited sky. He was gonna be the one to show not only can you come from the sky but you can go into it. Older he climbs into the sky until suddenly....he bursts from the water and emerges onto a land that people believed was only fairy tale. This fairy tale of magical wonders. It was all true! He was the first to see that everything that each and every person of his land told him was nothing but a myth. He spoke the language of the strange creatures. He explored the land. Found a young girl.....The young girl had finally found the one she was hoping to find. She believe she could truly love someone again. But sadly.. on the night they were to be together forever... a demon knocks at her door and down goes the man she loved...forever. He's gone. Never coming back. The demon takes her hand and says how much he has missed her voice and her love and that he needs it to be just his again. She does nothing. Doesnt make a sound. Doesnt move. It's all a dream..no..a nightmare. Darkness fills the sky as the demon stares into her eyes. She is blank. Lost. Lost inside herself. She doesnt ever want to leave because no pain can be found here. It if just a numb feeling. Nothing can be felt. Not even happiness can be felt through the hardshell that she has created to block every hint of emotions...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I really like this. I know I haven't really expressed feelings about my religion or anything like that but I really like how this is expressed(:

Free Writing..

Love? Really? Does it even exist in ways that everyone describes. She sits there alone dreaming of love between her and the boy. Ah that boy. That boy has changed her entire world all though he has no idea on what he means to her. He doesn’t understand what she means to him. She dreams of a lasting love. She dreams of the cloud picking her up and taking her away into his arms. Arms that would do nothing but show her unconditional love. Absorbing everything he has to offer her. She needs to know that everything will be okay with him. She jumps up high into the sky, flying like theres no ending. She finds her way into space, way above the skies… Lose away from him.. He leaves her.. Just floating there. Lost and confused. She doesnt know what to do as then tears come flowing steadily down her cheeks. He doesn’t see the pain her causes her. The pain thats as unbearable as the one before him who lives thousands of miles away. Things are never the same. She can’t handle it. The Blade. Sharp. Heals the pain one cut at a time. Now will he notice? Will anyone notice? The answer is always the same: No. No one see’s what is really there. They see the fake smiles. But no one can see through to her. No one can see the pain that she is so desperately wanting to be heard. She needs help. Help! Help! Help! Her soul is screaming to be helped. But her shell that protects the soul is so calm and collected. No one, no one at all can see past it. She wishes she could find the one that can read her mind. The one who can tell something is wrong when the slightest thing is upsetting her. She needs her soulmate. She’s so afraid that he’s just going to slip away from her…

Free Writing...

So.. we learned this thing in English class. And it turns out I have basically been doing it all along. It like.. writing without any kind of grammar or punctuation required. You can say whatever you want, how you want to say it. I love it. Only thing is that.. sometimes when we do that, theres things in my mind that no one else needs to know.. no matter how I put it. Like.. I just finished one and I'll post it in a sec.. there are some pretty obvious parts that if I wrote that and turned it in, I would prolly be sent to guidence or something. So yeah. Well here is the one I wrote in class today: 


Many people are surrounding..they see her but don’t really see inside her mind. Her mind is full of everything she’s ever done to hurt the child. The child. So innocent with vibrant black hair. She sits there with her lollipop waiting for her grandpa to take her fishing. That was her favorite activity. Watching the fish swim around in the dirty yet clear water. She goes swimming in the water with her uncle and little cousin. The uncle is a firefighter from Illinois. Illinois… The amazing drummer lives there that knows more secrets about her than anyone else could ever imagine. He knows it all. Drumming in a band of his creation. Visiting for prom. Dresses. Going bowling takes her mind off things. Things that only need to stay within her mind. Things that can’t escape onto the canvas of the world because the materials needed have not yet been created. They are all but her vast imagination. But it is not imagination, for it is the world she see’s. The sun rises in the distance but it is nothing but darkness she see’s for all eternity. The darkness engulfs all those around her for she is alone in a big world full of others who feel the same as she. She knows nothing to make up for the things in her past. Her past is full of everything. Everything.. The beach. The water so blue and green. The fish you see in the waves as they crash down. Swimming out far enough to find a mystical cave to change into a mermaid. The mermaids welcome her as one of their own. She feels alright now. Everything is grand for… nothing is ever the same. She shoots from the water into the sky where she gains wings to fly. Flying like a bird so high where a plane she approaches. She goes right thro the plane and becomes a passenger of life once again. She lands in Italy where he waits for her. She finds him and a life they live so happily. The life she always dreamed of.. comes to an end when he must leave and never returns. Things disappear from her reach…

It ends where it does because I didn't have time to finish it, she called time before I could finish the sentence.

Yeah...

Too many times...

Ugh..

Great.. I feel like I keep getting blown off by the two guys I like -.- I like one more than the other as I said on here but yeah. Still. My point is that they bother me -.- Ugh.. gosh.. Idk what to do d: Ya know, giving someone this website is a way of showing them I trust them. This has some of my deepest thoughts on it. Things I couldn't ever admit to someone in person, or even really through text. Drives me insane sometimes. It's just who I am. I think about sooo many things then I won't say not a single thing that comes to mind. But when someone actually asks me what I'm thinking, my mind goes blank. I don't understand. I don't get myself. I just... don't know who I am. I know who I WANT to be... kind of... but I don't know how to get there. Right now, I am one of those people that has to be told what's wrong with me and things I do wrong so I can fix it. I can't handle compliments. It just... no. Compliments to me, are bad. I can comfort and give compliments all day long through texts, but I dont even know where to begin when it comes to helping someone in person or where they can hear my voice. See, take this thing I just wrote.. see how it changed topics so easily? I started off with talking about guys to comforting people in person/where they can hear me. It just... I don't know. I don't think everyone is like this. I just.. don't get it... Things don't make sense to me. Im always that one person different... either im the ONLY one that doesn't get it or im the ONLY one that does. Like.. it just.. doesn't connect with me. I need something.. anything.. to keep my mind straight. They just..don't work. Oh well.......

Hm..

In with a bullet..... out with hearts...

Song and Pictures

I really love this song and the pictures in it....

Oh gosh d:

Okay..well.. 
I have no idea what the last thing I've talked about was. It's been close to 2 months since I've posted anything... whoops d: Ummmm.....
Color Guard is going okay. Not really sure if I wanna do it next year though. 
I am Secretary for SkillsUSA and I am thinking about running for Regional officer..which means I have to talk in front of over 200 and some people d: Yikes d: 
I went to Camp Dixie for Skills... greatest trip I've been on. Got in a canoe, played Skiiball? (however its spelled), raced go-karts, had section meetings (I was yellow, section D )Gosh it was so much fun. I woke up this morning feeling like (Gosh... I wish I was waking up to go to the lake and my section meetings) 
School is going okay.. not my grade in Spanish 3, thats for sure d: It's so freakin bad its not even funny. Like.. it's the worst I've ever done in Spanish -.- I think its cause Im back with Mrs. Taylor teaching d: Umm... Oh yeah! School duuuh... My Schedule is:

First Semester
1st- US History Honors
2nd- Spanish 3
3rd- English 3 Honors
4th- Band
Second Semester
1st- Pre-Cal
2nd- Spanish 4
3rd- Personal Finanace (gonna change hopefully)
4th- Chemistry Honors

So yeah.. I had to do a lot of changing for it d: But it still works(: 

Ummm..... I'm not with Silver anymore d: Im gonna be honest, I did like him, but things weren't gonna work cause I felt like I wasn't ever gonna see him and especially with me being busy with band. But now I'm having other guy issues with Emmanuel (known him since May) and Christopher(known since... August?) They are opposites but their opposites are things I like... make sense? Gosh.. I just.. idk... as of know, I feel like things would work better with Emmanuel and I...Idk why but I just do. I feel like things would last longer and be better in general with us. I kinda feel like he understands me more. I think about him a lot more to be honest. I could see things going places with him. I really could. And I don't mean the way I seen things with Bryan.. Bryan was more or less just a way to try and convince myself that it wasn't all my fault why things ended with Sergio. I needed some kind of healing and Bryan was it. But back to my point, I see things really going with Emmanuel.. like... after high school and if he doesn't go to college, then at least following me to where ever I go, or waiting for me.. then agian.. Ive heard the whole "I'll wait for you" thing before. But yeah. 

I did get my license but I haven't got to drive by myself yet. 1) my mom won't let me and 2) I dont have a car -.- So yeah.. great right? No -.-


Well that's all I'm gonna post about for now.. I promise to try and update as soon as I can d: And more often as well. So yeah... thats all for now(: 


~Whitney~