I Just Don't Know..

I dont understand myself. Not really ever. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help who I like.. I don't want to like him. I'm starting to think the only reason I like him is cause...of the whole stupid first kiss thing. And each one after that.... I hate that. I mean.. the first one didnt seem that special but ever since then... my liking of him just seems to keep growing. Idk if I really like him or if I'm just attached to him because of the kissing. Idk.... Then the guy I'd rather be with out of anyone.. doesn't see what he does to me every time we talk or how much it hurts when we can't.........But I guess it's whatever. Why should life go in my favor when it comes to love? I mean.. its true. I am absolutely nothing special. At all. I'm not even ordinary. I'm below ordinary. I could just... leave and no one would miss me. I'm just feeling really alone tonight..

Oh and what brought up all of this is cause I went to Bryan's house today. See my mom isnt here for like 2 weeks so I figured I would just kinda.. sneak away for a while. So I went over and.. for a long time I kept saying no when he tried to kiss me but.. Idk why I eventually gave in. See when it's actually happening, I keep asking and thinking "Why would I say no to this?" But then later when I get home.. I regret it because I wish things could be more with him but he doesn't want more. At least not with me.


So yeah. That's my story. Liking people either for reasons I can't understand or that I can't have them. Oh well I guess. Like I said.. why should love go my way. I know it definitely hasn't in the past... but like I said, its oh well.........

More of.. The One, The Other, and Another.

You are The One.

I am The Other.

Anyone you talk to is Another.

The Other wishes The One could see how much The Other is falling for The One. The One is blind and only seeks Another that's close by for The One needs it to be physical. The One doesn't realize how worth it, it would be to take a chance with The Other. The Other couldn't ever cause hurt to The One for The Other would be hurt as well for causing that pain to The One. Although The Other has decided for only physical as well, The Other would take a final chance on The One. The Other now realizes just how deep The Other's feelings are for The One. The Other believes that The One doesn't have any kind of the same feelings. This is part of the sadness The Other feels. And yet no matter how badly and how deep depression The Other feels....The Other couldn't bare to let The One go. The Other needs The One to function, to help with decisions, and for advice. Well...maybe one day.....

Things I Want....

• To cuddle with him when watching movies (or anytime).
• For him to give me a ring that's too big so I can wear it on a necklace.
• To be pulled by my belt loops into his arms.
• For him to show up unexpectedly at my door.
• To lay around with him all day just talking.
• For him to be there when im feeling down.
• To hold hands while walking around the mall.
• For him to sing to me.
• To go out to the movies.
• For him to listen to whatever I have to say.
• To be asked on dates even after we are together.
• For him to be there for me.
• To be my absolute self around him.
• For him to accept my many flaws.

• For him to exist........

Been A While xO

Well....My color guard camp went good(: Im really liking it ^.^ I went out with that guy that was still into his ex but then I broke up with him (Donald). I seen Bryan at the fireworks thingy and talked to him for a few minutes dx It was like pouring down rain d: I was really happy when talking to him... Idk why I still like him as much as I do d: Oh well I guess. Umm... thats reallly all I have to write about I guess. The Lone Ranger was a good movie. Umm.... I dont really have anything else to talk about d: So yeah... I hope everyone had a great 4th of July.


I think I was holding on to just one that one little promise made exactly a year ago on the 4th. About promising to try the hardest to be here to watch fireworks. Even tho I knew for a fact that it wasnt gonna happen, I think my heart was still holding on to that. But oh well now. It doesnt matter at all anymore.