I Just Don't Know..

I dont understand myself. Not really ever. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help who I like.. I don't want to like him. I'm starting to think the only reason I like him is cause...of the whole stupid first kiss thing. And each one after that.... I hate that. I mean.. the first one didnt seem that special but ever since then... my liking of him just seems to keep growing. Idk if I really like him or if I'm just attached to him because of the kissing. Idk.... Then the guy I'd rather be with out of anyone.. doesn't see what he does to me every time we talk or how much it hurts when we can't.........But I guess it's whatever. Why should life go in my favor when it comes to love? I mean.. its true. I am absolutely nothing special. At all. I'm not even ordinary. I'm below ordinary. I could just... leave and no one would miss me. I'm just feeling really alone tonight..

Oh and what brought up all of this is cause I went to Bryan's house today. See my mom isnt here for like 2 weeks so I figured I would just kinda.. sneak away for a while. So I went over and.. for a long time I kept saying no when he tried to kiss me but.. Idk why I eventually gave in. See when it's actually happening, I keep asking and thinking "Why would I say no to this?" But then later when I get home.. I regret it because I wish things could be more with him but he doesn't want more. At least not with me.


So yeah. That's my story. Liking people either for reasons I can't understand or that I can't have them. Oh well I guess. Like I said.. why should love go my way. I know it definitely hasn't in the past... but like I said, its oh well.........