New Years...

Well... Happy New Years everyone. I hope 2014 is a great year for you all.

So far, it's not been any different. I know its only been 2 1/2 hours into it but.. I'm just feeling alone. Really alone. It's been a while since i've cried from just feeling alone. This is yet another year where I sit and watch the ball drop alone. Not even with family. But... I kinda like it that way. Sometimes. And yet I feel like I wouldnt if I actually knew what it was like to watch it with someone I actually cared for. I hate that I pictured this whole future thing with Ricky. Cause I think that really messed with me. What happened is really starting to get to me. The mistakes I made. I was there not once but twice. And even asked for a 3rd time. That was tonight. I didnt want it to go as far as it had the past two times but I guess I just wanted to know that someone was wanting to spend that one night with me...this one special night that only happens once that is celebrated. The first day of an entire year...the start of a new person for a lot of people. I wish I knew what was going to come in this new year. And it doesnt really help that my best friend now has someone that she see's herself being with and it lasting. Like.. marriage lasting. It's crazy. I remember when I thought I had that. Ha! Lies. Not really lies... just thoughts. Misunderstandings. Hurt....pain.... I feel so lost and alone right now. I need something to.... help. Idk what to do. Lost, confused. Ugh... I dont know how to say whats going through my mind. Just... pain..hurt...alone...confused. I need someone. Its not even someone to talk to. Its honestly just a hug. A lasting hug. Being held. That's all I need... to know someone out there really cares about what happens to me and what I actually do and how I actually feel. I wish someone would be able to tell what Im really feeling and me not have to tell them. To know when to try to make me laugh or when to just hold me. Anyways... I dont see it happening anytime soon. So idk what im gonna do about Prom cause I have to go now that I convinced Angel's bf to go. So yeah... I guess that's all. I may do a free writing thing.. idk yet. Ill decide in a bit. But like I said, Happy New Year Everyone. Hope you have the best year.