Somethings wrong...

I don't know what to feel like.... I need somewhere to vent but I have nothing. I don't have my journal anymore, I gave it away.. I need something. I cant hold all of this in. Maybe I just need to cry myself to sleep again. Might help... until I wake up....then what? If I keep going to school, I think I'll fail. I just don't feel like trying anymore. If I don't go, I still fail. If I drop out next year, society see's me as a failure anyways. Society... there's so many things wrong with it. I feel like I need someone..but.. I don't know. Somethings I don't even want to tell myself. I don't know what those things are but.. I just know there is. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and have a totally different life. But.. then I wonder what about the people I've met.. what if I didn't meet them. But there's really only person I'm not worried if I met now or not...cause I know I would have met him sometime in my life anyways....We were meant to meet, to be together..... I feel alone now though. If I was in a room of a million people Id feel so alone. No one gets how I truly think about things...how I feel about things. And the one person who might have a chance of truly understanding me.. isn't here. Recently, I feel like he doesn't even exists.. he's "there" when I need him.. hes not here.... and I need him. Right now. To cry on his shoulder... to know Im not as alone as I really feel right now. Its so pointless in telling him because...its not gonna change anything. He's still gonna be there..... with his #2..... So why should I tell him anymore how much I need him. Why should I tell him anymore how much I love him... It doesnt change anything... I feel like it doesnt matter all that much to him whether he hears those things from me or not... Whether he hears from me at all..... if he doesnt talk to me in a day..a week...a month...any at all... it doesnt matter to him. Yeah he says it does..but I just dont think I believe it much anymore. I still love him more than anything... id still die for him...the only person/people Id put before him would be my children..our children. But in a way i would still be him...little him's.. I still believe we will be together.. Thats what keeps me through times like this. When I feel this alone. When I need someone to just...be here. For someone to just let me know they are not gonna leave my side. But I cant have that now can I? When I need it the most... Why should I get something like that? Something that special.....why should a very non-special person (me) get that? Im crazy for thinking something like that. Somethings wrong..... with me. 

~Whitney~