I cant

Idk what to do.. Im dying.. My heart is leaving. Im alone. I just... I cant breathe. Im ready to escape. I want to leave here so bad. More than anything get away. Just someone please rip this beating thing out my chest to end all my suffering so I can float away peacefully. I dont know what to do. Nothing helps anymore. I just... I need a way out.

Breaking..

I cant do it.. its all breaking away. I feel it all just slowly breaking inside with every second that passes by.. everything going through my mind.. Whats her name? Has he kissed her yet? Has he said he loved her? As it slowly kills me inside as I read a few simple words. Dying slowly alone. Not in his arms how everyone to, I'd rather be alone. Less pain to die alone.

Free Writing 3

So I haven't done this in a while so I guess I will just kinda...go for it...


Flashing lights everywhere fill the room as she looks outside her tower window. Silence. Nothing more than the face of the boy she loved. She believed he loved he too. More than anything else but he broke not only her heart but also her body into a million pieces. Now she throws her self at anyone who will love her the way she loved him. She loved him. He left her there to be alone when he knew that she needed him more than anything else. That's what the clouds spoke of as the lost girl wonders aimlessly through the woods just trying to get away from everything she knew. It was all a lie. Those lies that were spoken from her and the words of those she trusted. She trust what they said. What anyone said. She was so innocent. Innocence. Means everything and yet it means nothing. Nothing more than a prize. 1st place is what everyone wants. They need it. Everyone can taste that first place prize. Drives people to do crazy things. Crazy crazy things. Sky diving into a pool full of wonderful beings as they all stare at you descending from what they all thought was a limited sky. And here you come...proving them all wrong. Each and every one...except.. for the little boy. The little boy who had vast dreams to fly above that limited sky. He was gonna be the one to show not only can you come from the sky but you can go into it. Older he climbs into the sky until suddenly....he bursts from the water and emerges onto a land that people believed was only fairy tale. This fairy tale of magical wonders. It was all true! He was the first to see that everything that each and every person of his land told him was nothing but a myth. He spoke the language of the strange creatures. He explored the land. Found a young girl.....The young girl had finally found the one she was hoping to find. She believe she could truly love someone again. But sadly.. on the night they were to be together forever... a demon knocks at her door and down goes the man she loved...forever. He's gone. Never coming back. The demon takes her hand and says how much he has missed her voice and her love and that he needs it to be just his again. She does nothing. Doesnt make a sound. Doesnt move. It's all a dream..no..a nightmare. Darkness fills the sky as the demon stares into her eyes. She is blank. Lost. Lost inside herself. She doesnt ever want to leave because no pain can be found here. It if just a numb feeling. Nothing can be felt. Not even happiness can be felt through the hardshell that she has created to block every hint of emotions...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I really like this. I know I haven't really expressed feelings about my religion or anything like that but I really like how this is expressed(:

Free Writing..

Love? Really? Does it even exist in ways that everyone describes. She sits there alone dreaming of love between her and the boy. Ah that boy. That boy has changed her entire world all though he has no idea on what he means to her. He doesn’t understand what she means to him. She dreams of a lasting love. She dreams of the cloud picking her up and taking her away into his arms. Arms that would do nothing but show her unconditional love. Absorbing everything he has to offer her. She needs to know that everything will be okay with him. She jumps up high into the sky, flying like theres no ending. She finds her way into space, way above the skies… Lose away from him.. He leaves her.. Just floating there. Lost and confused. She doesnt know what to do as then tears come flowing steadily down her cheeks. He doesn’t see the pain her causes her. The pain thats as unbearable as the one before him who lives thousands of miles away. Things are never the same. She can’t handle it. The Blade. Sharp. Heals the pain one cut at a time. Now will he notice? Will anyone notice? The answer is always the same: No. No one see’s what is really there. They see the fake smiles. But no one can see through to her. No one can see the pain that she is so desperately wanting to be heard. She needs help. Help! Help! Help! Her soul is screaming to be helped. But her shell that protects the soul is so calm and collected. No one, no one at all can see past it. She wishes she could find the one that can read her mind. The one who can tell something is wrong when the slightest thing is upsetting her. She needs her soulmate. She’s so afraid that he’s just going to slip away from her…

Free Writing...

So.. we learned this thing in English class. And it turns out I have basically been doing it all along. It like.. writing without any kind of grammar or punctuation required. You can say whatever you want, how you want to say it. I love it. Only thing is that.. sometimes when we do that, theres things in my mind that no one else needs to know.. no matter how I put it. Like.. I just finished one and I'll post it in a sec.. there are some pretty obvious parts that if I wrote that and turned it in, I would prolly be sent to guidence or something. So yeah. Well here is the one I wrote in class today: 


Many people are surrounding..they see her but don’t really see inside her mind. Her mind is full of everything she’s ever done to hurt the child. The child. So innocent with vibrant black hair. She sits there with her lollipop waiting for her grandpa to take her fishing. That was her favorite activity. Watching the fish swim around in the dirty yet clear water. She goes swimming in the water with her uncle and little cousin. The uncle is a firefighter from Illinois. Illinois… The amazing drummer lives there that knows more secrets about her than anyone else could ever imagine. He knows it all. Drumming in a band of his creation. Visiting for prom. Dresses. Going bowling takes her mind off things. Things that only need to stay within her mind. Things that can’t escape onto the canvas of the world because the materials needed have not yet been created. They are all but her vast imagination. But it is not imagination, for it is the world she see’s. The sun rises in the distance but it is nothing but darkness she see’s for all eternity. The darkness engulfs all those around her for she is alone in a big world full of others who feel the same as she. She knows nothing to make up for the things in her past. Her past is full of everything. Everything.. The beach. The water so blue and green. The fish you see in the waves as they crash down. Swimming out far enough to find a mystical cave to change into a mermaid. The mermaids welcome her as one of their own. She feels alright now. Everything is grand for… nothing is ever the same. She shoots from the water into the sky where she gains wings to fly. Flying like a bird so high where a plane she approaches. She goes right thro the plane and becomes a passenger of life once again. She lands in Italy where he waits for her. She finds him and a life they live so happily. The life she always dreamed of.. comes to an end when he must leave and never returns. Things disappear from her reach…

It ends where it does because I didn't have time to finish it, she called time before I could finish the sentence.

Yeah...

Too many times...

Ugh..

Great.. I feel like I keep getting blown off by the two guys I like -.- I like one more than the other as I said on here but yeah. Still. My point is that they bother me -.- Ugh.. gosh.. Idk what to do d: Ya know, giving someone this website is a way of showing them I trust them. This has some of my deepest thoughts on it. Things I couldn't ever admit to someone in person, or even really through text. Drives me insane sometimes. It's just who I am. I think about sooo many things then I won't say not a single thing that comes to mind. But when someone actually asks me what I'm thinking, my mind goes blank. I don't understand. I don't get myself. I just... don't know who I am. I know who I WANT to be... kind of... but I don't know how to get there. Right now, I am one of those people that has to be told what's wrong with me and things I do wrong so I can fix it. I can't handle compliments. It just... no. Compliments to me, are bad. I can comfort and give compliments all day long through texts, but I dont even know where to begin when it comes to helping someone in person or where they can hear my voice. See, take this thing I just wrote.. see how it changed topics so easily? I started off with talking about guys to comforting people in person/where they can hear me. It just... I don't know. I don't think everyone is like this. I just.. don't get it... Things don't make sense to me. Im always that one person different... either im the ONLY one that doesn't get it or im the ONLY one that does. Like.. it just.. doesn't connect with me. I need something.. anything.. to keep my mind straight. They just..don't work. Oh well.......

Hm..

In with a bullet..... out with hearts...

Song and Pictures

I really love this song and the pictures in it....

Oh gosh d:

Okay..well.. 
I have no idea what the last thing I've talked about was. It's been close to 2 months since I've posted anything... whoops d: Ummmm.....
Color Guard is going okay. Not really sure if I wanna do it next year though. 
I am Secretary for SkillsUSA and I am thinking about running for Regional officer..which means I have to talk in front of over 200 and some people d: Yikes d: 
I went to Camp Dixie for Skills... greatest trip I've been on. Got in a canoe, played Skiiball? (however its spelled), raced go-karts, had section meetings (I was yellow, section D )Gosh it was so much fun. I woke up this morning feeling like (Gosh... I wish I was waking up to go to the lake and my section meetings) 
School is going okay.. not my grade in Spanish 3, thats for sure d: It's so freakin bad its not even funny. Like.. it's the worst I've ever done in Spanish -.- I think its cause Im back with Mrs. Taylor teaching d: Umm... Oh yeah! School duuuh... My Schedule is:

First Semester
1st- US History Honors
2nd- Spanish 3
3rd- English 3 Honors
4th- Band
Second Semester
1st- Pre-Cal
2nd- Spanish 4
3rd- Personal Finanace (gonna change hopefully)
4th- Chemistry Honors

So yeah.. I had to do a lot of changing for it d: But it still works(: 

Ummm..... I'm not with Silver anymore d: Im gonna be honest, I did like him, but things weren't gonna work cause I felt like I wasn't ever gonna see him and especially with me being busy with band. But now I'm having other guy issues with Emmanuel (known him since May) and Christopher(known since... August?) They are opposites but their opposites are things I like... make sense? Gosh.. I just.. idk... as of know, I feel like things would work better with Emmanuel and I...Idk why but I just do. I feel like things would last longer and be better in general with us. I kinda feel like he understands me more. I think about him a lot more to be honest. I could see things going places with him. I really could. And I don't mean the way I seen things with Bryan.. Bryan was more or less just a way to try and convince myself that it wasn't all my fault why things ended with Sergio. I needed some kind of healing and Bryan was it. But back to my point, I see things really going with Emmanuel.. like... after high school and if he doesn't go to college, then at least following me to where ever I go, or waiting for me.. then agian.. Ive heard the whole "I'll wait for you" thing before. But yeah. 

I did get my license but I haven't got to drive by myself yet. 1) my mom won't let me and 2) I dont have a car -.- So yeah.. great right? No -.-


Well that's all I'm gonna post about for now.. I promise to try and update as soon as I can d: And more often as well. So yeah... thats all for now(: 


~Whitney~

Things Are Changing...

Well..special thanks to Jamesiie for reminding me to write on here :D So thanks hot stuff :D

Well I feel like things are changing around here. My mom is gonna be going more of her trips. She was in jail for 2 weeks from July26-Aug 9. So and now she is going to Texas for whatever reason til Friday. I'm really enjoying color guard :D So I hope things keep improving there(: I'll be happy once I get my license and don't have to really depend on people to get me places. That will make my life and other people's lives so much easier. Im supposed to get them in like.. 2 weeks and I havent drove hardly at all d: I really need to do that d: But my mom is gonna be gone until Friday.. and then the week after that, school starts d: Great -.- Oh well I guess. Also, I think everyone has forgotten my birthday, even my mom d: She hasn't asked me anything about it like she normally does and just.. Bleh d:

Oh well... umm... school is starting soon and I know I have at least one class that I wanted. Art.. and my old Art teacher is there and she is my favorite :D So yeah. And obviously I'm gonna have band, Ill have about 16 hours a week of it. Cause of class everyday then practice every Tuesday and Thursday. Then thats not counting the football games and competitions we go to. So yeah.. fun fun. We wont perform anymore when play-offs start.

So yeaah.. umm... anything else.... oh yeah... Whitney has a boyfwend(: His name is Silvestre (Silver) and I really like him[: He's really sweet and amazing(: He lives like 30 mins from me though :/ I'm worried its gonna feel like a long distance thing again d: He says once school starts he is gonna come see me as much as possible. I sure hope so cause I can't do the distance thing again /.\ Yeah... But I really hope things work out with this. Umm..... I have open house this Thursday and also a band practice as well. Soo yeah. I also have to babysit my little cousin when my mom isnt here d:

Anyways, thats all I really have to talk about.. oh wait!! One more thing!! Remember my bestest friend Jamesiie? Well he has a band now :D Here is there facebook link:

Havenway's Facebook :D

Make sure you go like it :D And check it out for updates :D I have a feeling they are gonna be great :D Psht, of course they will be with Jamesiie as the drummer ;D

Alright, now thats really all. I'll try to up-... ahh! one more thing!! My cousin and I are doing a YouTube channel about stupid things. We can't update til she is here and she hasnt been here in a while d: So here is the link to that YouTube channel:

ConnectMeToTheStupid YouTube Channel :D

Ill try to update here as soon as I can.. and possibly try to do a Bideo soon :D It is looong overdue for one. Okay.. well goodbye world :D Remember to smile :D

*sigh*

I want someone to sing the same song as me..

I want to hear this on my wedding day..

All the time..

I'd lose sleep to you anytime..

Love this song..

But I'm not everything he needs so it doesn't matter..

Its always been my happiness when ur happy..

I Just Don't Know..

I dont understand myself. Not really ever. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help who I like.. I don't want to like him. I'm starting to think the only reason I like him is cause...of the whole stupid first kiss thing. And each one after that.... I hate that. I mean.. the first one didnt seem that special but ever since then... my liking of him just seems to keep growing. Idk if I really like him or if I'm just attached to him because of the kissing. Idk.... Then the guy I'd rather be with out of anyone.. doesn't see what he does to me every time we talk or how much it hurts when we can't.........But I guess it's whatever. Why should life go in my favor when it comes to love? I mean.. its true. I am absolutely nothing special. At all. I'm not even ordinary. I'm below ordinary. I could just... leave and no one would miss me. I'm just feeling really alone tonight..

Oh and what brought up all of this is cause I went to Bryan's house today. See my mom isnt here for like 2 weeks so I figured I would just kinda.. sneak away for a while. So I went over and.. for a long time I kept saying no when he tried to kiss me but.. Idk why I eventually gave in. See when it's actually happening, I keep asking and thinking "Why would I say no to this?" But then later when I get home.. I regret it because I wish things could be more with him but he doesn't want more. At least not with me.


So yeah. That's my story. Liking people either for reasons I can't understand or that I can't have them. Oh well I guess. Like I said.. why should love go my way. I know it definitely hasn't in the past... but like I said, its oh well.........

More of.. The One, The Other, and Another.

You are The One.

I am The Other.

Anyone you talk to is Another.

The Other wishes The One could see how much The Other is falling for The One. The One is blind and only seeks Another that's close by for The One needs it to be physical. The One doesn't realize how worth it, it would be to take a chance with The Other. The Other couldn't ever cause hurt to The One for The Other would be hurt as well for causing that pain to The One. Although The Other has decided for only physical as well, The Other would take a final chance on The One. The Other now realizes just how deep The Other's feelings are for The One. The Other believes that The One doesn't have any kind of the same feelings. This is part of the sadness The Other feels. And yet no matter how badly and how deep depression The Other feels....The Other couldn't bare to let The One go. The Other needs The One to function, to help with decisions, and for advice. Well...maybe one day.....

Things I Want....

• To cuddle with him when watching movies (or anytime).
• For him to give me a ring that's too big so I can wear it on a necklace.
• To be pulled by my belt loops into his arms.
• For him to show up unexpectedly at my door.
• To lay around with him all day just talking.
• For him to be there when im feeling down.
• To hold hands while walking around the mall.
• For him to sing to me.
• To go out to the movies.
• For him to listen to whatever I have to say.
• To be asked on dates even after we are together.
• For him to be there for me.
• To be my absolute self around him.
• For him to accept my many flaws.

• For him to exist........

Been A While xO

Well....My color guard camp went good(: Im really liking it ^.^ I went out with that guy that was still into his ex but then I broke up with him (Donald). I seen Bryan at the fireworks thingy and talked to him for a few minutes dx It was like pouring down rain d: I was really happy when talking to him... Idk why I still like him as much as I do d: Oh well I guess. Umm... thats reallly all I have to write about I guess. The Lone Ranger was a good movie. Umm.... I dont really have anything else to talk about d: So yeah... I hope everyone had a great 4th of July.


I think I was holding on to just one that one little promise made exactly a year ago on the 4th. About promising to try the hardest to be here to watch fireworks. Even tho I knew for a fact that it wasnt gonna happen, I think my heart was still holding on to that. But oh well now. It doesnt matter at all anymore.

Oh gosh d:

Oh gosh d: Im really sorry for not posting.. I didnt realize how long its been since I posted. Well... new things...

• My color guard practices are going good. Every Tuesday 4-6 then next week, Mon-Sat. I have it 10-6 everyday ( -.-) Then later on I have Band Camp and also Rookie camp.. I also have a fundraising car wash on July 6th at a McDonalds ^.^
• Um..Was talking to this guy but hes more into his ex (that he hung out with today) than me even though he keeps saying over and over that he wants me to be his girlfriend o.O Soo yeah.. nothings gonna happen with that. 
• Bryan wanted me to go to his birthday party thing but then he didnt ever text me or call me so I didnt go d: 
• Ummm.....I put purple dye in my hair but I dont think you can really see it d: Maybe after I straighten it again d: 
• I might be having a birthday party on the 17th of August..
• I am sooo ready for next year to start! I just want to know my schedule d:

So thats really all I have to say d: If I think of something else or if I get my hair done, I might post a bideo on here later d:

Lucky...

The Truth..